Living in the Shadow of a Narcissistic Father

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Written by Sanjay Govindaraj - Registered Social Worker/Psychotherapist. For more information or to connect with Sanjay, please click here.

Growing up in India was always challenging. Not being good at math made me feel like an outsider, especially when all my cousins were bringing home A’s. But what hurt far more was living in the shadow of a narcissistic father. Much of my childhood was spent trying to avoid being yelled at or hit on the head. Report cards were terrifying, and parent–teacher meetings were just as frightening.

As I grew older, left home for university, completed my education, immigrated to Canada, and eventually married and had children, it still took many years to fully understand the depth of the impact. My father was always right. He made all the decisions. You never pointed out his mistakes. Praise only came when I advanced in my career or did something that made him look good.

Over time, something in me shifted. I worked on myself, letting go of much of the anger and pain, and sought years of therapy to find balance. Now I use that lived experience to help others who, like me, have had to grow up living in the shadow of a narcissistic father or are still navigating narcissistic relationships today.

Practical strategies that helped me and can help you

Living with or recovering from a relationship with a narcissistic person is hard work. Below are concrete, compassionate strategies you can try. Use what fits your situation, small steps add up:

1. Protect your boundaries

Decide what is and is not acceptable, and state those limits clearly and calmly. You don’t owe long explanations. Example: “I won’t discuss my job at family gatherings.” Keep the consequences realistic and follow through.

2. Use the “grey rock” technique when needed

If interactions are volatile and you can’t fully disengage, keep responses neutral and uninteresting. Short answers, no emotional fuel, this reduces opportunities for manipulation.

3. Limit contact and control the environment

When possible, reduce frequency of contact, shorten visits, or meet in public places. Plan exits from conversations that escalate. If full no-contact isn’t feasible (for example, co-parenting), create clear communication rules such as text only or agenda focused.

4. Don’t try to fix them

Narcissistic patterns are rarely changed by arguing or exposing contradictions. Trying to “win” or force empathy often backfires. Focus your energy on what you can control, your choices and your wellbeing.

5. Keep records

If you’re dealing with gaslighting or ongoing manipulation, keep a journal of interactions, dates, and what was said. This helps to track your reality and can be important if legal or child-welfare issues arise. You are bound to hear “I never said that” or “ I never did that”

6. Build a support network

Talk to trusted friends, family, or a support group who validate your experience. Isolation strengthens the narcissist’s influence; healthy connection weakens it.

7. Practice self-compassion and grounding

Trauma from narcissistic relationships shows up as shame, hypervigilance, or low self-worth. Use grounding exercises such as breathing or body scans, and remind yourself you deserve respect and safety.

8. Seek professional help

Therapy can help you unpack patterns, rebuild your sense of self, and develop strategies for safety and recovery. If you co-parent with a narcissistic person, a therapist can also help with co-parenting strategies and communication plans.

9. Make a safety plan if needed

If you ever feel threatened or unsafe, prioritize your safety. Have an exit plan, emergency contacts, and know local resources.

10. Know when to involve authorities

If there’s abuse, threats, coercion, or danger to you or children, contact local authorities or legal services for help and protection

If you’ve lived in the shadow of a narcissistic parent/spouse/colleague or friend, or are currently navigating a narcissistic relationship, remember recovery is possible. Your experience doesn’t define your worth, and asking for support is a courageous step.

If you are in immediate danger or are in crisis and need help, please call 911, go to your nearest emergency department, or call the Crisis Line for Waterloo-Wellington-Dufferin at 1-844-437-3247 (available 24/7). You can also call or text 988 in Canada to connect with immediate support.

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